1. It reaffirms your role as the side chick.
As if you needed any reassurance as to where you stood in your “man’s” life, this is the day for it.
Sometimes side pieces think they may be more to a guy, but that false sense of hope is quickly smashed the instant Valentine’s Day rolls around.
2. Your phone won’t be buzzing until after 1 am.
Everyone is busy on Valentine’s Day. There is no such thing as last-minute plans because every single and wifed up person makes arrangements days or weeks in advance.
The only time your phone will be ringing is after the festivities are over and done with.
3. If you do have plans that weekend, they’re either happening on the 13th or the 15th.
The 14th is reserved for the main chick, so the days surrounding it may be for you, but in all honesty you probably aren’t doing sh*t this weekend.
4. Your one job is literally the exact opposite of what Valentine’s Day stands for.
The terms “Valentine’s Day” and “side chick” are just two things that should never be part of the same sentence.
5. While everyone else is getting flowers, you’re just getting dick pics.
Flowers die, dick pics are forever… so if you look on the bright side, who’s the real winner here?
6. It’s the one day that makes you actually feel bad for being a side chick.
There’s a solid 24-hour time frame when you must look back on your decisions and see how you really feel about them. Lucky for you, Valentine’s Day only lasts for one day.
7. Your night plans are all contingent upon how someone else’s plans work out.
The only time you’re getting hit up tonight is if something bad happens. And to hope for that is just f*cked up — I mean you have to draw the line somewhere.
8. The only sex you’re having is with yourself.
How sad…
9. While everyone else is waiting for a reservation, you’re waiting for texts.
What are you even waiting for? I hope you aren’t expecting anything out of this day because you have been benched until further notice.
10. The only people you are matching with on Tinder are desperate singles and other side pieces.
This is the sad reality of what your life has become. Maybe this eye-opening experience can teach you the error of your ways.
11. You have to pretend you detest this day.
Liking Valentine’s Day and being a side chick do not go hand in hand. If you wanted to celebrate this day, you need to find yourself a significant other you can actually tell people about.
12. The only thing left to do is watch “50 Shades of Grey.”
The book wasn’t even written well, what makes you think the film will be any good?
13. You have to lie to your family about your feelings surrounding the holiday.
As if you would ever tell your family about your current state of affairs (yes, pun intended), you must now concoct a story as to why you’re sitting at home with Netflix.
14. You spend an entire 24 hours feeling like Jan Brady.
She’s an outcast and now you’re one too!
15. Your best friend has a boyfriend this year, so you’re definitely alone.
Damn, you’re really SOL this year, aren’t you?
16. If you do tell your friends, judgments are guaranteed.
Don’t even try and explain why you’re doing what you’re doing because no one will take your side.
17. The only time you’re getting gifts is the next day when they go on sale.
If you do get a gift, you can bet it came from the 50 percent off aisle at CVS.
